No matter how bad life gets I can always see the humor in it. Actually, I suspect that the bad stuff evokes much more humor than good stuff does. That’s why my Twitter Tweets (http://twitter.com/MariettaMeg) are so much better than are Paris Hilton’s (http://twitter.com/parishilton).
There’s not much funny stuff happening on a gondola in Venice, but an Alzheimer’s ridden old man in Tampa can be pretty damned amusing. My father actually scolds me for being redundant. He’s pushing 80 so there isn’t much that I can do. I wanted to borrow some money from him but what kind of creep would borrow money from a man who would forget the transaction within 10 minutes? Damn these scruples!
I do need cash badly…that’s a fact. I need to get to my daughter ASAP and for some reason, she lives in LA. I’ve tried just about everything that I could think of but nothing seems to be working. So, just in case anyone out there is interested, here is a list of things that I would to do get to LA:
1. Have a Ménage à trois with Larry King and Bill O’Reilly.
2. Walk up to Perez Hilton and smack him in his nasty little puss.
3. Wear a burqa with a sign around my neck that says, “I’m Naked Under This Thing!” and walk through Baghdad.
4. Tickle random men walking down the street.
5. Drag Mark Sanford out of the South Carolina capital building all by myself.
6. Grab the pen from Bob Dole’s right hand and run away laughing.
7. Offer relief to all men suffering from one of those Viagra induced 4 hour erections.
8. Taunt Angelina Jolie for an indefinite period of time.
9. Stand in the middle of Boston and make Ted Kennedy jokes.
10. Salt my ass and moon a bunch of deer.
Of course, I have my standards so here are things that I wouldn’t do:
1. Get a nipple piercing.
2. Watch an NFL game as long as Mike Vick is in the league.
3. Sleep with Michael Moore.
4. Agree with Nancy Pelosi.
5. Marry another man who leaves skidmarks in his jockeys.
6. Drink decaffeinated coffee, non-alcoholic beer or Diet Pepsi.
7. Sit through any movie that has “Part Three” in the name.
8. Bring a date to a La Leche League meeting.
9. Hike near the border of any country that’s name ends with STAN.
10. Pay more than twenty bucks for a purse.
OK then, if any of that helps you in your decision to help me, giddy up. I need to leave soon so don’t dawdle.
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