Don’t offer style advice where it’s not wanted, says Angela Buttolph
Scarlett Johansson once claimed to feel self-conscious around 73-year-old film director Woody Allen, because he hates all her clothes: ‘He hates everything I’ve ever worn. He’s extremely fashion-conscious. I would never want to go shopping with him; he’s too particular,’ she says. Oh, Woody, style me next!
There are few areas in life where the patently unqualified are so quick to offer advice. But, when it comes to fashion, every scruffy man in a zip-up jumper, blah jeans and bad brogues is the first to rush in with his opinion: ‘High-waisted jeans look like Mum jeans’; ‘Empire-line dresses make your waist look an inch below your boobs’; ‘It’s probably sexist, but men think women should carry small, ladylike handbags.’
When men start talking about women’s fashion, I get the same feeling I have on a girls’ night out, when our gossipy fun is interrupted by a couple of guys who think they’re about to make our night by chatting us up. Because why else would we be in a bar, unless we wanted to pick up men? And why else would we make an effort with our appearance, unless we wanted to pick up men?
I’ve compiled enough annual ‘best-dressed’ lists to know they bear no relation whatsoever to those lists of the world’s most attractive women in men’s mags. While you might covet the wardrobes of the Olsen twins, Kate Moss and Sarah Jessica Parker, men think the epitome of hotness is Jennifer Aniston, Gisele Bundchen and Jessica Biel. Women who are beautiful but whose wardrobes are, let’s say, not exactly inspirational.
Take Aniston. She wears clothes men can name in a single word: jeans, vest, boots, dress, top. Simple clothes that don’t require a qualification in pattern cutting to describe: ‘tulip skirt with a grown-on waistband and a peplum frill’. Her outfits aren’t themed (goth, boho, disco) apart from Healthy Californian, a look that endlessly appeals to men for its simplicity – it’s clean, fit, sexy. Never mind that Aniston’s wardrobe is boring. Boring to look at, boring to wear (she admitted recently that she still wears clothes from 10 years ago). As my friend, Andy, puts it, ‘Men can’t help having an attraction to that girl-next-door thing.’
In contrast, let’s take my all-out-foxy ensemble of skinny jeans, tuxedo jacket and high, patent platform shoes. It’s quite a catwalky look: leggy and sexy. It gets this review from Andy: ‘Those massively high heels, with big straps, can be intimidating. Worn with skinny jeans and that aggressive jacket [pardon?], any guy would think, “Okay, she doesn’t want to talk to me.”’
Few women would try to defend the outlandish style of the Roisin Murphys or Beth Dittos of this world. But no woman divides the sexes as sharply as Carrie Bradshaw. To us, her looks are inspiring; those prom dresses, the name necklace, the crazy bags. Every ensemble she wears is the sartorial equivalent of a girls’ night out; do what you like, show off a little, have some fun, who cares about men? And men hate that, because they know it’s not about them.
Of course, Carrie was the eternal bachelorette, but she also had Big. In many ways, Big is the ultimate ’suit’, but his love of Carrie’s kooky style speaks of hidden depths; of being able to appreciate a different aesthetic, of having an interest in current ideas, none of which are suggested by his pinstripes and odd bouffant hair. Also, he’s not threatened by her limelight-stealing outfits. Isn’t that sexier than the man who dates wannabe Hollywood clones in jeans and vests – the female equivalent of background muzak?
For men, every day is a comfortable-shoe day, clothes are to keep you warm/dry and are eventually replenished, rather than dreamed about, hunted down. The fact is, when it comes to fashion, men are simple. My friend, Vicky, has a weekend uniform of tight dresses or skinny jeans, tucked into high boots, and form-fitting tops that would get universal approval from the entire male population. I walked into the pub recently to see her surrounded by a crowd of shouting men that resembled a bad day at the stock exchange. Vicky had vaguely raised the idea of getting some harem pants, and all hell had broken loose.
But then one of the pack turned away in disgust to give my outfit an approving once over, before declaring, uncharacteristically, ‘You look nice.’ I was wearing a fringed scarf, cropped grey silk jacket, heels… And black harem pants (seriously, I’m not making this up).
Ask a guy about padded shoulders and he’ll be vehemently anti: too silly, too retro, too Pat Butcher (men always have a soap-opera reference for any look). But turn up in a foxy tailored dress with structured shoulders and he’ll fall at your feet. What men don’t understand is shoulder pads make your waist and bum look tinier in comparison. Or that high-waisted jeans make your legs look inches longer, or that a boyfriend jacket (dismissed by Andy: ‘too big, looks scruffy’) makes your arms look thinner (roll those sleeves up), and your dress look shorter (genius).
Guess what, women have spent a lifetime working out what flatters our bodies, so leave the fashion decision to us. Otherwise, a word of warning: if you will set yourselves up as experts on womenswear, we will have our revenge, by insisting we can’t go shopping without you.
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