Bad Pickup Lines

Here is a collection of truly awful and funny ‘bad’ pick up lines:

—————————————————————————-

Where you born on a farm? Because you can certainly raise a cock

I wanna disappear inside of you like a Tampon.

If I were an enzyme, I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Do you have any Mexican in you …  no? You want some?

Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is outta this world!!

Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.

Let’s get a pizza and fuck. What, you don’t like pizza?

You don’t sweat much for a fat lass, do you?

Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns

I just moved you to the top of my “To Do List.”

If you don’t go home with me tonight you’re a fucking idiot.

If I flip this coin what do you think my chances are of getting head

Hey baby my name’s Pinocchio! Wanna sit on my face while I tell you lies?

3 more beers and you’ll look pretty.

Just a quicky? The doctors say I’ll be dead by Tuesday

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under.

Before we start: I don’t have an STD, it’s psoriasis

Nice shoes…wanna fuck?

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face!

Well here I am! What were your other two wishes?

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?

Call me Mr Flinstone, I can make your bedrock”

You Caribbean? Because with that walk Jamaican me crazy

If you were a bogey, I’d pick you first

Wanna come to my party? The one in my pants

I hope your pussy don’t smell like your attitude!

Do you like jewellery? Will have a suck on this, its a real gem

There are 213 bones in a human body, would you like another?

I lost my teddy, can I sleep with you?

I lost my number, can I have yours?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together

If I was a squirrel and you were a squirrel, could I put my nuts in your hole?

I heard you got diabetes & I wanna inject you in the bum

I’ve heard you are looking for a good FUCK tonight, I’ve got FCK, all I need is U

[Via http://jakemcmillan.wordpress.com]

First things first

Boo and Hoo
I’ve been in pain lately. Over the past few months some pains I’ve had have worsened and that worries me some. This past week has been the worst. I know part of that is that because of everyone’s various vacation times, we aren’t entirely out of holiday mode and are still eating badly. That would account for frequency of pain. The other part of it, the part that should explain the intensity, remains unexplained. I already had an ultrasound a couple of months ago that showed nothing wrong. Of course, the technician was a complete idiot. I’ve had a billion ultrasounds and this was the shortest, least explorative ever. I also had a colonoscopy recently that like all before it revealed the gradually less surprising benign growths. So save for another ultrasounds, really the only option about figuring out the “whys” is exploratory surgery. Kinda hard to get on board that one just for pain. And I wouldn’t just for pain. A crop stroke hurts much worse. Of course, it’s not there day and night wearing you down. BUT I still wouldn’t be concerned just because I had some pain. What I *am* concerned about is what is causing the pain. Is it new scar tissue forming because of the bleeding? Is it something else? It’s the unknown that bugs me.
In less than a week though normal life will resume and I can finally get some stuff done and get ready for my 30th birthday in less than 2 months. (&%$#!!!!) Hopefully some semblance of routine will help to calm down my nerves which have been jangling on an ever increasing intensity.

 Soooo in order to cheer myself up… I am going to go down the memory lane. It shall be amusing. And really, what is more comical and silly and nostalgic than everyone’s first time doing anything? Here’s a list of my firsts I could think of.

 My first kiss was superb. He was the boy next door, literally. He came up with some excuse to come over and we stood around my room very awkwardly until it was time for him to leave at which point I guess he finally screwed up the courage to come over and kiss me. I remember the rush of butterflies as he took those last couple of steps towards me and the “wooosh” of emotions and roaring blood. It was sweet and awkward and amazing. I was so pumped from it all that afterwards I went to my piano and played for an hour straight. And I never was that good! *laughing* I remember he had brought over some chapstick… and the awkward banter. I like that memory. It’s sweet. *s*

The first time I got finger fucked… not really memorable. The very first time which took a grand total of 15 seconds was pointless because I just wasn’t turned on and I was dry and I was young enough that I wasn’t even too sure what he was going for. The second time, (which I think should be mentioned since the first time was so brief and confusing!), was within the first actual relationship I was in and she (Lee) MAJORLY sucked at sex. *laughing* Like she was so incredibly bad at everything that two women might do with each other that after a couple of months of being with eat other I was still not sure we were actually having any kind of sex. The 3rd person who got there was the first to actually finger fuck me in any satisfactory fashion. She was I think about 8 or 10 years older than me and very butch. Great fuck, not much personality. Let’s call her Nik.

First time I tried nipple torture was with Nik as well … she was really into it. She was actually the first person I dated who was into S/M in any serious way. Not as much as me still but a good match for me at that point since I was taking baby steps and tracing out my desires.  I was turned on by how turned on she was but really the person who made me grow neuron pathways between my nipples and cunt was Luke. Before him, I’d get chapped nipples and the high of pain but none of the “pinch my nipple and my clit will scream in sympathy” thing that Luke can manage.

The first time I got fucked (penetration in pussy with dildo/cock)… it was disappointing. This was with Lee and as I was JUST starting to enjoy it she stopped. I don’t think she could relate to the dil and on top of that didn’t know what really to do and didn’t even want to give it a try… yea we just weren’t a sexual match. She was a snail to my bunny.

The first time I got fucked in the ass… was honestly painful but not so bad that I didn’t see the potential. I had the same issues with it that most others describe. Aside from pain I wondered what if it made a mess and how yucky that would be but really there are a couple of choices there. Either you do a thorough enema before every single time you do it (which isn’t the healthiest thing ever) OR you put on a condom and some play sheets and deal with a bit of mess here and there. I mean, if you play with fire, you are gonna get burned sooner or later. AND you gotta know, your rectum is pretty clean most of the time. This is also one of those things that I liked before but I really started wanting it with Luke. Oh and as far as butt plugs go… I’ve always found them hot. Which brings up the next 2 firsts:

First time I got figged… was odd. It wasn’t a sensation I expected. I think we soaked the ginger too long though because somewhere we had read that you are supposed to soak it. I am not even sure where anymore. There was some burning but more than that it gave me a sort of “urging” sensation which isn’t what I was going for. But once more I saw the potential. The burning of freshly carved ginger is amazing. It’s a welcome sensation change from compact pain (because I won’t play with icy/hot or any other chemical heavy things on mucus membranes other options being natural cinnamon oil, peppermint oil, wintergreen oil, etc) and I like it more than other tingly things because it can be carved into a fun plug! I also love it on my clit. The burning is exquisite. Now I sometimes do it just for myself when I masturbate.

First time I was double penetrated… wasssss not with two different people. I think the very first time was getting fucked with a plug in my ass. If I am properly wet that is beyond good. We have a pretty large plug and getting fucked with it in place makes the experience so much more intense. I feel more “possessed”. Having a plug in, being gagged with Luke’s leather gag that has a mini-phallus AND getting fucked is even better. Just the sensation of being filled everywhere is… ooooh. With two people it’s a more tricky affair. I am still chasing that particular high if Luke comes around to it. Oh and if you have someone who knows what the hell they are doing, getting fingered in your ass and cunt together… so you are getting the same stroke rhythm… DIVINE! What I want to try next (aside from another guy to play with along with Luke) is maybe getting fucked with a harness so Luke can fuck me in both holes… yuh yuh…

The first time I got fisted… was a surprise. It was with Luke. The concept was too scary to me before that to try with anyone I didn’t fully trust. We hadn’t really started out saying that’s what we were doing. We were just having some great anniversary sex. He was 3 or 4 finger inside me and pounding and then he just tried another finger, and more lube and aside from a few moments when I felt I was being torn apart (pressure not pain), he was in! And then he curled his fingers into a fist (just sticking your hand in there doesn’t count you know, you actually have to make a fist for it to be fisting) and began fucking me and the sensation was… overwhelming. I remember reaching down and feeling his wrist buried in me. NOTHING makes you feel more thoroughly fucked than getting fisted. It’s like a piston moving inside you. The force is unimaginable. Gooood stuff.

The first time someone ate my pussy… was … nice? Certainly not terribly exciting. I’ve never been much for it. I’ve had lovers since that are pretty good at it but when all’s said and down… I’d still prefer getting fingered or fucked. A tongue is just… nice but not enough.

The first time I gave head… confusing and a little icky. But I think that’s true for most people. I mean first time you don’t know what is it you are really doing and here you are in this relatively awkward position. The tastes seemed odd and hygiene is SO important. I mean if you’ve been with someone for long like me and Luke, it actually adds to my pleasure to suck him off with the taste of sweat and piss on him. Someone I’ve know for 6 months… not so much. Wash people. Of course, I am sure you’ve noticed that now my attitude is more in the line of… oh for the love of all that is holy… fuck MY MOUTH.

First time I got spanked… was kinda awkward. She wasn’t really into it. A few swats that barely hurt. It took a few people until I got a decent spanking like I wanted. That first spanking was… surprising. I had always been turned on by the thought of a spanking but when it came to the real hard spanking all I could register through it was pain. It HURT. That’s all. It hurt. I felt a bit ridiculous with all 5’7” of me draped over a lap with my ass in the air. I did feel some of that desired childlike feeling. I didn’t really drop into the sub-space that both the mentality and the pain of a good spanking make me feel nowadays. (I was too busy analyzing it) But then it was over and I felt how very wet I was and how incredibly horny… Even now even a punishment spanking will get me wet. I still squirm when Luke calls me for a spanking and when the actual spanking/whipping is going on, all I can sense is the pain, but the bliss afterwards… well… may I have another sir?

First time I tried bondage…was fun but we did it WRONG. I was young and stupid and I didn’t even have the decency to start with something soft. It was a pain of metal cuffs that locked my hands together behind my back but THEN I essentially lied on top of my cuffed wrists through the sex part so when it was over, I had a tinsy bit of nerve damage… namely I had funny pins and needle feeling for a month. Thank god it passed. Bondage remains one of those things I am iffy about. Bondage, like I’ve said before, is choice being taken away. Complete transfer of control. You don’t even have the assurance in the back of your mind that you could get away if need be. There is nothing. You are there… at the top’s mercy… and that can still be scary for me. And like all things scary… it’s so exhilarating.

First time I got pissed on…was better than the second time cause by the second time I had had time to actually think about what I had done and ick myself out some. The second time I actually gagged a bit after the piss hit my tongue. Of course, I know myself enough to know it was a product of my own over thinking and I got over it very fast. The most fun thing about it for me is how enthralled and repulsed Luke is with the whole thing. He loves doing it but he is icked out at the idea of it and he can’t reconcile the two.

That’s enough firsts! This is making me feel ancient! Of course, I am a much better lay now so that counts for something! And there are a couple of firsts I still have on my todo list…. Oh and if you are wondering why I haven’t mentioned losing my “virginity”. Well… aside from the sectional virginity involved in all of the above… I lost my hymen to a ladder I was climbing up and down for play before I was even a teen. I fell down and a wrung hit me between the legs just so and bust went the hymen. I remember the blood then but I didn’t know I didn’t have a hymen until I just had deeper and deeper sex and no blood…
Luke would love me to have a hymen reconstruction so he can take my virginity but seriously paying a few grands for fake virginity AND going through the discomfort of the procedure… *laughing* not happening. I get it for women who need to do it for cultural reasons… but for kink sake… nah!

 And the best thing about your first time? It only happens once!

[Via http://dirtyingenue.wordpress.com]

Size of the Boat or the Motion in the Ocean?

I’ve decided to go ahead and do the damn thing! The Conception’s first show is scheduled for Thursday, January 14th at 11pm. I need you to participate by reading the blog posts, commenting, and calling in. Don’t be afraid.  You can give a fake name and remain anonymous. You can speak on behalf of “your friend.” I can’t do this without you!

This show is for ladies and gents. We are going to talk about sex, sex, and more sex! The content is adult only because the language will tend to vary from medical textbook, to raw doggie! It doesn’t matter if you’re a sexpert or a virgin. You may learn some things, and maybe you’ll teach some things.

To tune into the live show, you can listen via internet by going to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/theconception or you can listen via phone by calling (347) 637-3004. If you’d like to speak, call in and press the number 1 on your phone’s keypad.  This will give me a signal that you are ready.

I encourage you to e-mail me in advance if you’d like to be a featured guest.   Your expertise is welcomed and no Ph.D. is required (though it would be nice if I could check your references )

Until then:

Watch this hilarious clip from Juwanna Man until about 2:10.

And the beautiful Aaliyah telling it like it is.

Rock the Boat Lyrics

Mmm, Yeah, Mmhmm
Ooh hmm hmm
Mmmm Yeah

Chorus:
Boy you know you make me float
Boy you really get me high
I feel like I’m on dope
Cause you
You serve me on a regular
Boy we need to tie this rope
Before we drift any deeper
There now hold me close
Boy let’s take this overboard now

Chorus:
I want you to
(rock the boat)
Rock the boat,
Rock the boat, rock the boat
(work it in the middle)
Work the middle, work the middle
Work the middle,

(change positions for me)
Change positions, new positions
New positions, new positions
(now stroke it baby)
Stroke it for me, stroke it for me
Stroke it for me,

Verse 2:
Ooooh baby I love your stroke
Cause you, cause you get me to where I’m going
In a jury you’ll get my vote
Cause I believe, I believe you know just what you doing now
Baby now we can coast
Just don’t get in a hurry
That’s too slow
Go ahead and put that thing in over drive

Chorus:
I want you to
(rock the boat)
Rock the boat, rock the boat
Rock the boat,
(work it in the middle)
Work the middle, work the middle
Work the middle, work the middle
(change positions for me)
Change positions, new positions
New positions, new positions
(now stroke it baby)
Stroke it for me,
Stroke it for me, stroke it for me, stroke it for me

Chorus:
I want you to
(rock the boat)
Rock the boat,
Rock the boat, rock the boat
(work it in the middle)
Work the middle,
Work the middle, work the middle
(change positions for me)
Change positions, new positions
New positions, new positions
(now stroke it baby)
Stroke it for me,
Stroke it for me, stroke it for me

Bridge:
Stroke it for me, Mmm
Stroke it baby, Stroke it baby
Mmmm, Work it baby, Work it baby
Oooh Stroke It
There is somethin’ I want you to do
I need you to use yourself
Like you never ever used to do before
To explore my body
Until you reach the shore
You’ll be calling, calling for more

Chorus:
(rock the boat)
Rock the boat,
Rock the boat, rock the boat
(work it in the middle)
Work the middle,
Work the middle, work the middle
(change positions for me)
Change positions, new positions
New positions, new positions
(now stroke it baby)
Stroke it for me,
Stroke it for me, stroke it for me

I want you to
(rock the boat)
Rock the boat,
Rock the boat, rock the boat
(work it in the middle)
Work the middle,
Work the middle, work the middle
(change positions for me)
Change positions, new positions
New positions, new positions
(now stroke it baby)
Stroke it for me,
Stroke it for me, stroke it for me

(rock the boat)
Rock the boat,
Rock the boat, rock the boat
Work the middle,
Work the middle, work the middle
(change positions for me)
Change positions, new positions
New positions, new positions
Stroke it for me,
Stroke it for me, stroke it for me

(rock the boat)
Rock the boat,
Rock the boat, rock the boat

[Via http://conception2010.wordpress.com]

Wake up

“Wake up!” she texted.

“Sup Doll?”

She was surprised he texted back. It was after midnight.

“Get over here.”

“20 min.”

As promised, 20 minutes later there was a knock at her door. He stepped inside the door, grabbed her face with both hands, and backed her into the wall. Her head bumped the wall a little too hard. His kiss was so perfect she didn’t mind.

“Mmm…missed you. How was the birthday party?”

“Torture. I finally got way.”

“I see that. How long to do you have?”

“Long enough I hope.”

His body had her pinned up against the wall in the entryway. He had no idea how wet she was already.

“Let’s go to my room,” she said. She wanted to fuck until neither of them had anything to apologize for anymore. She lifted his shirt, scratching her nails up his sides as she went.  He pulled her to him by the hips and kissed her as he guided her to the bedroom. They didn’t quite make it that far. He threw her over the back of the couch as soon as they cleared the first cushion, and he kicked her feet apart even as he pulled her pajama bottoms down far enough so that they fell to her knees.

His left hand grabbed the hair at the back of her head, pulling back. His right hand reached inside her panties, testing to see how wet she was. Satisfied, undid his pants  and lined up his hips with hers. He rubbed his cock against her clit, making her moan. She wanted him inside her again, wanted to feel him sink into her so badly that she pushed back against him. He must have been caught off guard. He let out a groan so guttural that she knew she was in trouble. She thought for sure he would start hammering away at her. Instead, he pushed deep inside her and stayed there. He only moved enough to pulse slightly against her g-spot.

“Mmmm…”

She lost her focus, couldn’t push against him anymore. All she could do was enjoy the pleasure he was giving her. He grabbed her hips and pulled her into him harshly just once.

“Nuh uh. Stay with me, Doll. Touch yourself,” he said.

He guided her fingers to her clit and felt them as they began stroking. With his cock tormenting her g-spot and her fingers tormenting her clit, she started to cum almost immediately, but she slowed it down. She kept that moment before the orgasm takes her going, allowing him to catch up.

“Fuck me,” she whispered, when it was time. And he did, hard.

She let him pummel her as she listened to him breathe. She held off until she knew he was close, then she allowed her orgasm to take her, knowing her moaning and her spasms would take him with her. And it did. They finished together and collapsed over the back of the couch.

When she caught her breath she said, “I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time. We should probably go to my room.”

[Via http://infamytoarmistice.wordpress.com]

Catwalk Poison Vol 3 - Yuu Haruka

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

If you could never...well you know

Over Christmas holiday I learned Lawrence, a friend I used to hook up with, was ill. He had a lot of medical problems among them diabetes and seizures, but as a result of an unrelated spinal injury he is paralyzed from the chest down. His condition makes him unable to walk and move on his own.

Lawrence’s condition came as a shock because he is a pretty young guy. It’s also ironic because he was the kind of guy who always have multiple girlfriends at any one time. He was the guy that always sent risque text messages with cartoon characters having sex or sex jokes.  He loved sex and was great at it (this certainly explains why he had so many girlfriends). Now he can’t do it.

For the purposes of this blog I considered what life would be like to suddenly be unable to have sex.

(crickets)

Wow, I really don’t know.  In Lawrence’s case he still has use of his hands and his mouth, so he could still please a woman. So maybe the inability to physically be pleased, makes a person a better lover.  But would you still get the urge? What about orgasms?

I didn’t ask Lawrence, because I didn’t want to upset him. But true to form he still wanted me to show him some of the naked pics I always keep on standby in my cell phone. (I guess that answers the desire question.)  He’s definitely still a freak.

Do any of you have any experience with this? How does sex under these conditions work (or don’t work)? What would you do if you could not have sex anymore.

If you’d like more information on paralysis and sexuality, click here for an interesting article on the subject.

[Via http://hotandhorizontal.wordpress.com]

Deep Freeze and Alien Sex

It appears that 2/3 of the population of the USA are experiencing some sort of deep freeze. Whether from bitterly cold temps or tons of snow.

Here we’re going to get snow, then bitter cold again and then—YES!— a warm up back to the low 30s! Wow, that’s going to feel practically balmy.

However, before that happens we’re getting snow today. Possibly about nine or so inches before it’s all over.

I’m in revision mode on my short story and drafting mode on novella. I need to submit my short story next week and novella the end of this month.

For anyone who saw Avatar, apparently the full love scene between Jake and Neteryi (and I hope that’s not a spoiler for anyone) will be on the DVD. Cameron cut the scene to keep the rating at PG-13, which I kinda figured he did. But if you noted in the movie that the Na’vi use their queues to synch with the animals and plant life on Pandora, you can imagine (if you care to, that is) how they use their queues during mating.

Personally, I find watching people making love on huge screens and with blasting surround-sound a bit unnerving and over the years I’ve noticed that, except for some hard-core action flicks (and even not so much in those anymore), movies don’t have anywhere near the amount of explicit sex they used to have. Cable TV sure does, but movies not so much. For one thing, PG-13 ratings nowadays usually spell bigger box offices as opposed to R rated movies.

As for alien sex, a couple of years back I went to a panel discussion at Wiscon on alien sex. That is, creating sexual practices for your alien characters. It was a fun discussion as the panelists and the audiences discussed myriad ways to imagine and write about mating practices for the aliens in one’s stories.

Most of the suggestions for doing so advised writers to look at the sexual behavior of creatures here on earth and extrapolate from that. When I have more time, I think I’ll do a blog post on that very thing. I’m doing a lot of thinking and reading about world-building. Creating races and species and their cultures for fantasy or SF is very important when creating a brand new world that you want to immerse your reader in.

[Via http://jennareynolds.com]