Hi Kate:
I’ve been thinking a lot about how and when I decide to give a guy the heave ho. “What if?” are words that whisper in the back of my consciousness. Do I want to live with the glaring gaps that seem to show up sometime between the first email and the 4th date.
Take the Cyclist, for example. A very nice guy. But we definitely had a humor gap! Our emails were too brief to know for sure, but after an hour with him, it was fairly apparent that laughter and silliness weren’t a part of his personality. I thought maybe it was nervousness, but the second date was even less fun. The Beer Guy was hilarious – in emails, on the phone and in person. We had a natural repartee that was stimulating and delightful. He was intelligent too. But we experienced an emotional gap: he performed the “push me, pull yous,” with so much ease I soon realized it was second nature for him to “invite me in, and then push me away.” He even copped to it when I called him on it. But he wasn’t able or willing to try to change. The surfer and I had a different kind of emotional gap. He got scared when things got too close, and off he ran.
The Engineer and I had a “values gap.” He owned a huge house and wanted to buy land and build, and have more and more stuff. He drove a fast Porsche on the weekends, and SUV during the week. I’ve had a few “what if” moments about him. But I let him loose before I did a reality check.
Sexual gaps? I’ve encountered a few of those. He can’t get it up. He’s not that interested in sex. He kisses badly. STDs. Or the Forestry Guy who made love with his eyes open. I had great sex with the Beekeeper, and often. But his old girlfriend was obviously still in love with him, and kept showing up.
I want to be able to go for a hike or a bike ride with my man. I don’t think I can tolerate much of a “physical gap.” The surfer was great for a 50-mile bike ride, or a hike in the hills. He was a great kisser, but couldn’t get it up regularly. The Engineer liked to ride bikes, too. The Beer Man liked a stroll, but didn’t have much stamina. The Cyclist and I never got around to a bike ride. The Beekeeper and I rode bikes together and he could have sex for hours. I went on a 1st date stroll with a Lawyer last August. He panted and sweated the whole time. But he took me out to dinner and played some great rock and roll on his most-excellent stereo system.
Which brings us to the cultural gap. This can come from age difference, ethnic differences, or merely mindset differences. Music, food, events, and other lifestyle issues make up our culture. I like to try new things, but I want some comfortable compatibility in the culture arena.
The Urban Farmer is hilarious, sexy, handsome, intelligent, fun, easy-going, physically fit, forgiving, and kind. And he lives 1000 miles away. Distance is definitely a gap.
What’s a girl to do?
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