Ladies and Gentleman of the net, today is yet another Singles Awareness Day! It’s a solemn holiday that can be filled with joys for those with a cynical sense of humor, but not necessarily a cynical outlook on life.
See back in high school I would have called this Valentine’s Day. That’s because I was forced to see every couple in the world making out by their forest green lockers as if tomorrow the world would end and they would never see each other again. As if the male was going off to fight the Germans or something as dramatic. They would buy each other roses and candies.
Occasionally there would be a few people that would buy candies and cards for various people in their classes. These people were social outcasts looking to be thrust into a world they knew nothing about. They would offer these things as if the students were Native Americans and he was just a new world explorer. All he has to trade with are these heart-shaped candies that say “I love you” and “snuggle!” and cards with Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck holding hands as if today is the day all wars stop and everyone comes together in some glorious, harmonious peaceful embrace. The Native Americans hopefully accept these gifts and give the explorer a daughter to be with for the night in a magnificently built Teepee, or they don’t accept them and he gets pieces of his body cut off. I don’t really know how they would react, since I have never actually met (nor seen) a Native American. I have seen a Puerto Rican guy dressed up as a Native American in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade a few times though…Come to think of it college isn’t much different. You just catch people having sex in the place you live a lot more frequently…
However, as the years of single life pile on for me (four years running!) I began to mourn for myself. I would look back at high school days and think, “Wow, I used to have someone I cared about back then.” Then I remember they cheated on me (on VALENTINE’S DAY) and I don’t feel as bad. These events just made me realize how ridiculous Valentine’s Day is and how much better Singles Awareness Day could be! Think about this for a minute. Most of the time, couples hate each other. I mean HATE. Are there ones that are happy? Of course there are, but we don’t have an exorbitantly high rate of divorce in this country for nothing. Statistically, it is really hard to find someone who doesn’t make you want to rip your eyeballs out and feed them to a stray dog (or what you think is a stray dog since you lost the ability to see because you ripped your eyeballs out. Dumbass…)
Singles Awareness Day is a way for us single people to ban together and look at how many people actually screwed with our emotions so bad that our very souls are jaded. A day to look back and go, “I actually slept with that person? Really? They look like a dog ate their face was I really that desperate?” And you really were that desperate, don’t lie. Then you can laugh about it. Laugh at yourself.
How does one celebrate Singles Awareness Day, or SAD? For men and women it is the same, don’t be miserable. Embrace your singleness! You get to be with WHOEVER YOU WANT (or whoever you can get…). You have the freedom to do absolutely nothing that anyone else wants you to do. Look, ladies, if you’re reading this what’s better? Going out with the girls and having fun doing what you want, or going somewhere your guy wants you to go that you have no interest in and knowing he’s only doing it so you do stuff in the bedroom you don’t “normally do” because it’s a holiday? Oh I’m sorry did I destroy your preconceived notions of Valentine’s Day in one sentence? Good! You’re already celebrating SAD, even if you smiled a little.
Guys what would you rather do? Play video games or go to some stuffy restaurant where jeans aren’t considered pants? Eat chinese food or eat fau grau (fra grau is a french dish that is Goose or Duck Liver Patte. They force feed the geese or duck to be super fat so they have an extremely fatty liver that is easier to butcher. Mmm that gag reflex was worth it wasn’t it? Especially the 50 odd dollars it cost to eat it before you vomitted it all up)?
We can sit back and relax today. Don’t go out and about and watch couple being “happy.” Go out and find couples that are miserable and arguing. Sit with a cup of coffee or tea (personally I prefer tea) and watch the sparks fly. Not from chemistry, but from the woman trying to set the gifts the guy gave her on fire. “Pour some more gasoline on there honey!” she will agree with your advice and you both can watch them burn. It’s a bonding experience really. Like the start of a really screwed up dark indie romantic comedy. You know, the one with the guy and girl with emotional problems? You know the one I’m talking about, every indie romantic comedy ever made that’s what I’m talking about!
If you’re in a couple and you’re reading this, I applaud you sir or madam. You were able to get away from your significant other long enough to have some alone time on a day like today when they are probably bugging the living hell out of you. Maybe a single friend sent you this link so you could see how they feel and for that I thank them. The more people read this kind of crap that I write the more encouraged I am to continue to produce said crap till it is no longer a practical art form for me to express myself. Oh I’m sorry my self-esteem issues are showing…
In the end, it’s all about attitude. Do NOT go on facebook and stalk former lovers. Do NOT look at their pictures and cry! You are better than that my friends. There are better things out there for people like you and me. The suffers of elongated dry spells and bad dates. However, those bad dates can be fairly entertaining stories for the friends. Trust me.
Happy Singles Awareness Day!
or
Happy SAD!
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