Wow I’m actually trying to blog again when I’m like running out of time. Well lately blogging to me has become like a diary. It’s the only way in which I can organise my thoughts in a logical progression and hope to make sense of things.
I think my biggest problem is my communication. Like when I say something to someone, it never comes out the right way and then they misinterpret things and once a person’s mood is off you can never really have a proper conversation with them. It’s like pure lockdown.
I feel as though my boyfriend loves me but he does not care for me. I know it’s not true – logically. But somehow I feel like my heart needs some sort of proof. It’s a very female thing. Like this week for example, I thought I was doing something good. I made a new friend who seemed to care for me (and probably still does), but unfortunately he liked me and I did not in any way promote that.
So a few days pass until the guy eventually decides to stick his hand up my skirt as a sort of greeting hug. Um?
I was quite upset about it because I felt as though it was my fault. Like my boyfriend was right when he said this guy likes you and I instead thought to myself no he doesn’t. I was really hurt about it and there came a point last night when I said to my boyfriend that the only reason why a guy cares for me, or pretends to care about my personal problems is because of the way I look or because he wants something from me. My boyfriend did not catch the drift…
Then today came along and my boyfriend goes off on this tour and I didn’t really mind after he told me that there’s nothing bad etc. It’s just I was a little upset since he stayed up with me until 3am and then told me back then that he wasn’t going. Then in the morning he didn’t tell me that he was going until I logged onto facebook and saw his status. I mean keep me updated? Or at least tell me the truth so you can sleep earlier and be less grumpy with me the next day because you’re demented (victim of dementia 
).
I really don’t get why I’m the one in the relationship that cares about the wellbeing of the other. I know this isn’t true, but I feel that way. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl and I get attached? I still don’t see that as a fit enough reason for my boyfriend to start laughing over the phone when I tell him that my new friend that I trusted touched my ass! As if that’s so funny?
It’s not funny because:
- I trusted that person to be there for me when my boyfriend wasn’t (as per my boyfriend’s wishes).
- I feel as though I’m nothing more than an object.
- I feel as though my boyfriend treats me as a placeholder.
I just want someone that’s honest with me about their real feelings and not always make me out to be the bad guy.
I just need someone that will stand up for me, that’ll get annoyed that I’m hurt and that’ll just forever care for me.
I actually like being dominated by a man – I know I said I wasn’t a feminist. Maybe this person doesn’t exist? I should actually write a blog about how promoting your daughters to read fairy tales as children rouses in them false expectations and illusions of grandeur in the face of love.
Love is an illusion as Dorian Gray once said. I’m just the sucker that fell for it.
PS> Less than 10 minutes. Wow. I’m getting the hang of this.
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