Ugh. One of the annoying things of this week that occurred was noticing- via Facebook- that a previous involvement of mine barely says hi to me, and is actually zeroing in on a former coworker and a friend of mine.
Now, this ex and I haven’t been casually involved in a year or so, but we were intermittently involved in each other’s lives for close to four years. Our last conversation was in late 2008, where I told him to shit or get off the pot when it came to his feelings about me.
Where I get sensitive is that at one point, I knew I was in love. I’m pretty sure he loved me back, but he was never willing to tell me so, and always treated me as a back-and-forth thing. I stuck around because I have my own commitment-phobic issues, ones that (in hindsight) I knew were there in my own soul, and I thought this was all I wanted.
Though we never did work ourselves out into a place of being committed, I have always accorded him the respect that I give to former boyfriends, especially because I’ve always sensed that in spite of our dysfunctions, we loved one another. We came, we saw, we loved, we fucked up, we’re friends.
It’s that “friend” definition that gets a little funky.
If this situation were reversed- if I were to say hi to any of his friends without maintaining touch with him, or forge a whole new bond with them- I know that he would be all up in five kinds of knots. And, I am also the kind of person so that if I ever noticed an attraction to one of his friends, I would actually ask him if he minded me going out with him. I never like incurring emotional wrath or bad karma; if I can prevent it, I don’t want to step on toes. (He also knows this to be true of me, especially after a confusing aftermath from a barbecue.)
So, what do I do here?
Bringing this up to him is fairly useless. Though I’ve reached out a few times to say hi and greeted on holidays, I don’t seem to have the same respect in his book. The last time he said hi to me was very cursory- on the basis of an errand- and it really hurt my feelings, especially when compared to the attention he showers on my friend.
As far as she goes… well, she’s young, in fact 11 years younger than me, and 10 years younger than him. She’s always enjoyed flirting with him, partially on the basis of knowing we were involved and not really giving a flying fuck on that note. She’s the kind who will soak up attention like a sponge if you give it to her and you’re male; I attribute that to the fact that she is quite charming in person.
And as far as he goes… sheesh. Hello, can we say instance of the pecker being attracted?
It doesn’t bother me terribly if they actually date, because I know both of them fairly well, and just as I can see how they are attracted to one another, I can predict how they would eventually set each other off. Their World War III is inevitable. (At this point, my belief is that it’s more him than her, because she is quite marvelous at handling multiple flirtations, and he’s a sucker for pursuit. Dumbass.)
What bothers me is being treated like I’m invisible. Like I’m an old shoe, and simply like I don’t have any respect. She doesn’t bother me as much as he does; she and exchange a few quips here and there, but he never bothers saying hello. Maybe it’s a sign of a shitty conscience that he doesn’t, or further proof of a person who has always been so self-tuned around his own foggy la-la-land of an emotional landscape that he’s never had any empathy for mine. As much as I cared about him, it’s knowing this that has always made me hesitate in expressing just what I felt. Once again, he’s failed me, and I feel it.
I guess this is just one of those instances where people present inevitable evidence of why there’s dislike. And rather than invest energy into trying to make them better people in my life, I’d rather not fight it out and just move on. I am worth treating well and remembering with a graceful accord; for fuck’s sake, “hello, how are you, is life treating you all right?” isn’t difficult. Especially via Facebook.
Ah, well. I have no idea what he’s doing for this Valentine’s Day, and honestly, I have no desire for him to be my box of chocolate in any way. We are an involvement that ran its course, and to idolize us with any symbolic nostalgia is unnecessary. I don’t long for our past back.
What makes me sad is noticing that he does not look at me with any respect. And perhaps it was time for me to notice this- especially at this sober point in my life- that he’s never really looked at me with the respect I’ve sought. At the ripe old age of 34, I am not going to go beating down his door over this. I guess it’s simply time for me to really let go of this ghost, and to stop looking at him with any nostalgic kindness. Be Gone.
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